TrachKids.org

We, my mother and I, went to see Mamma Mia tonight. I was anticipating a feel good film that would leave me feeling happy and light by the end. Now, I just feel like there's something wrong with me. For those of you who have still to see it, please do. It is a happy-go-lucky film, it's just that as I watched scene after scene of sunshine, dancing and people having a carefree happy time, I just felt so sad and lost. I yearned to be able to go somewhere hot and sunny (I haven't left the country for 5 years). During the scenes with all the women dancing along the paths and pier my eyes started pricking as I felt acutely that I had lost the ability to let my hair down and be carefree. I don't know if I can remember how to have a really good time anymore - one where I haven't got a medication and tube feeding schedule in my head; one where I haven't had to plan it over a week in advance, write lists of care plans for people, feel like I have to check in and have my phone within easy reach blah blah. I just can't let go. I can't remember the last time I let go fully. On the rare occasions I get the chance of a night out, I'm too tired, and too nervous/unsure to go out there and do things. I'm so out of practice. So I sat there holding back tears through most of it, feeling ridiculous, frumpy, boring and fat. I miss the person I used to be. I now feel really ennervated, deflated - surely not the emotional state the film-makers were hoping to evoke!
 
Could I tell my mother? NOOOoooo. I tried to hide how I felt during the film and after as well as I could. She already feels guilty enough for living and working outside the UK. She feels guilty for not being able to help me as much as she would like. She's got some health problems of her own and is rather depressed about them too so I know she would take it really badly if she knew what I'd written above. She'd be so desperate to help, but she's leaving tomorrow to go back to work. It wasn't the right time. Besides, the film helped lift her mood. It really would have been crappy of my to burst that bubble. I don't know if I can ever lay this on her.
 
When I have stopped wallowing, I will pull myself up again (don't we always?) and work out ways of having a bit more fun. I know I really need to push my DP to take more responsibility. It's not that he doesn't take care of the kids, it's just that if I am around he simply doesn't take charge. There have been a few events we've been to where it's been my turn to supposedly let go and have a bit of a drink, but even so I end up doing the lion's share of feeds, med administration etc. This must make him sound like he's useless and thoughtless, but he isn't, I just can't let go of that internal timetable. It doesn't help that this year he's already had 2 trips to Hong Kong on business for a fortnight, and is going away for 3 weeks next month. I'm so used to taking charge of everything that I don't even really miss him. What I really need is to get away from him, and both the kids and have a weekend away with some girlfriends - it doesn't even have to be anywhere exotic, just away! I think I'll leave my mobile phone off or at home too. I need to prove to myself that I AM dispensible in the short term.
 
BTW, still no word from any of the relevant parties re Angus and the LTE. They now have the authorised letter from Prof Elliott. I am going to start phoning and writing letter now instead of doing emails. Letters have to be read and filed. I'm not sure that emails are.