Blah day
I took my parents to the airport this morning so they could visit my bro in Europe. It wasn't our local airport, it was the one in Edinburgh and this is a weekend of the Royal Highland Show so the traffic was backed up something horrendous. I thought that the airport traffic was on the outside lane, but I miscalculated and laned up too soon so missed the turning. I couldn't change lanes to turn off because the inner lane was nose to tail. ::sigh:: So we had to drive miles up the motorway until I could get off it in order to turn back and hit the tail backs big time. My mum sighed and tutted her way most of the way through the tail back, muttering from time to time how there was no way we were ever going to make it, and what was the point, etc. Stressed? No, not much. :rolleyes:
As it was, we DID make it and they got off OK. The kids were great and didn't make a fuss at any point during all this. I got them some crisps (chips) as a treat at the next service station to say "thank you". On the way back we stopped off at a shop to get a present for Angus' nursery friend's birthday party.
When we got back I barely had time to make lunch, wrap the present and write the card before we set off for the party. The party was well organised and Angus was OK, just quiet and subdued as he always is when there are a lot of people about. I felt like a fish out of water since I only knew about 2 people there, and not very well at that. I smiled and tried to make small talk, but I just don't know what to say to people these days. Small talk feels just like "small" talk, and not really worth the bother, and the other things I would prefer to talk about, I doubt people really want to hear. Chatting about possible trips for life-changing surgery are interesting, but only if delivered in that happy, optimistic way that tabloid newspapers and low-brow magazines tend to do. I can't talk about it that way because I am scared about whether we'll get funding for the op AND travel. I'm scared about the travel arrangements. I'm scared about the actual travelling. I'm scared that we'll get it all organised and then he'll get ill the day before we're about to go. I'm scared that the tests will show he's unsuitable for surgery. Most of all I'm scared that the surgery goes wrong or that he gets an infection afterwards.
So, while all these thoughts are milling about in my mind, I'm also looking at all these mothers tottering about on high-heeled shoes, in close fitting hipster jeans and designer tops, with their clear skins and well-coiffed hair. I'm feeling like a tired, wrung out frump in my baggy trousers, walking sandals, t-shirt, unmade-up face, and braided hair with lots of wisps sticking out all over my head. Normally I don't care what I look like because I have more important things to occupy me, but today I felt like crap and looked it. Normally I look at women who take really good care of themselves and convince myself that they must be frivolous and not have much else to take up their time (I know this isn't true, it just helps me not care so much!), but today that just wasn't cutting muster. I don't know what they thought of me. Probably a combination of pity and "I don't know how she manages...". I just felt like I had nothing in common with these women. My feeling of being different wasn't helped by a kid asking me "What's wrong with Angus?" I knew I felt different just because of our situation, so I dread to think how Angus is going to feel when he eventually understands that he is very different from everyone else. Normally I'm not really affected by that sort of thing, but today, my defences were low and it hit home. Angus saved me by telling me he was tired and that he wanted to go home; I didn't try and deter him.
When I got home I put Angus on the sofa for a nap and he zonked really quickly. I went for a lie down too, knowing that I'd wake in a heart beat if I heard his vent alarm going off. I managed to get about 2 hours sleep which was much needed. I've let myself get over-tired due to going to bed far too late in order to get some time to myself. All this low level sleep deprivation has finally caught up with me and it's brought me down. I'm feeling the familiar tuggings of depression pulling my spirit down, which is entirely my own fault for not looking after myself better. I don't know how on earth I managed when he was in hospital with working and daily evening visits until it was time for home and bed. I know we've never had it as bad as some families - we've got loads of support and normally I'm so grateful and happy for how good our situation is compared to how it could have been, but today the wall has caved in and I'm feeling it all a bit much.
I don't deliberately quash my difficult emotions, but I think my brain has been good at doing that automatically. Every so often though, the pressure builds up and needs to be released. Today was Pressure Release Day. I've actually cried today, which is something I haven't done in ages. I think there is more to come. I think it's related to lots of things being on the horizon which may alter the status quo considerably. I don't have much reserve for change, and get quite stressed about it, in a quiet and introverted way. I think having my parents here has softened me too since they bring out some of my vulnerability.
There are some good things happening just now too. Columbus Children's wants to see Angus for tests and a consultation. They said that they hope this can take place in the latter part of July or start of August. I doubt that the NHS will agree funding within that timeframe, but Angus' consultant is doing all he can to poke the relevant people on the Board to achieve that. Everything is out of my hands at the moment and that may be contributing to how I feel too - I don't like being completely out of control and having to rely on others for important things in my life. Jeez, you'd think I'd be used to that after tha past 4 years, hey?!
